“He’s Just Not That Into You” Is Bullshit

It is often said that when a guy mistreats a girl, it’s not because he’s a dickhead or an idiot, but because he’s just not that into her. The logic seems straightforward: if he cared more, he’d try harder. He’d text first, make plans, and call when he said he would. 

This idea was popularized by the 2009 film He’s Just Not That Into You, which suggests that straight men’s behaviour toward women is a reliable indicator of how much they care. The film’s general message is that when a man ignores, disrespects, or deprioritizes a woman, it’s because she doesn’t matter enough to him. Men treat women well when they like them, and poorly when they don’t.

Over time, this message has since seeped into the minds of most young people. It circulates in phrases like “if he wanted to, he would,” or “men always make time for what they care about.”

I agree that women are often socialized to excuse male coldness or inconsistency as “boys being boys”, and I think learning to recognize subtle forms of disinterest can empower women. However, I think the ‘he's just not that into you’ spiel has veered into harmful territory. 

Beyond being applied to flakiness or ghosting; it’s increasingly used to rationalize cheating, abandonment, and even abuse. Whenever a heterosexual woman is mistreated, there’s often an unspoken implication that she simply wasn’t special enough to inspire better behaviour. That implication quietly shifts blame onto women themselves.

To illustrate the pervasive and damaging nature of this rhetoric, it’s worth examining how it manifests in pop culture.

“Justin Obviously Settled for Hailey”

Hailey Rhode Bieber is the daughter of actor Stephen Baldwin, the founder of the billion-dollar beauty brand Rhode, and a successful model and socialite in her own right. Yet despite these accomplishments, she’s most often discussed not as an individual, but as Justin Bieber’s wife.

Justin and Hailey’s relationship has become infamous for Justin’s apparent public mistreatment of Hailey, which I think some people masochistically enjoy. YouTube videos rake in millions of views with titles like “Justin Bieber being ABUSIVE towards Hailey for 5 minutes straight,” where you can watch compilations of Justin publicly embarrassing Hailey. In these videos, Justin is recorded slamming car doors in Hailey’s face, cringing when she touches him, or walking ahead while she struggles to keep up.

What’s striking about the narrative surrounding their relationship is how rarely the blame is placed on Justin. It’s rare for people to refer to Justin Bieber as “abusive” or even just “shitty.” Instead of calling his behaviour abusive or even unacceptable, fans and media outlets rationalize it by insisting he’s just not in love with Hailey. His fans parasocially reason that Justin is still in love with his ex-girlfriend, Selena Gomez, and claim his poor attitude is a result of his preference for Selena. The media similarly portrays Hailey as being Justin’s obsessed stalker who entrapped him in a marriage, which is what justifies Justin’s poor behaviour.

This narrative is harmful on multiple levels. It functions as a public teardown of a successful woman in a way that reflects deep-seated misogyny. Rather than acknowledging Hailey’s agency or achievements, the public scrutinizes her relentlessly, searching for proof that she deserves her treatment.

More insidiously, the claim that Justin treats Hailey poorly because he loves someone else more is a textbook example of victim-blaming. If he was emotionally unavailable or still attached to an ex, the responsibility was his not to enter a marriage. Yet instead of holding him accountable, the blame is displaced onto Hailey by implying she is less lovable or less worthy than Selena. The two women are endlessly pitted against each other, as if one must lose for the other to win.

This logic reinforces a deeply damaging message: that how a woman is treated is a reflection of her worth. Taken to its extreme, it suggests that abuse is something women earn by being insufficiently desirable. That belief absolves abusers of responsibility and reframes cruelty as a natural consequence of female inadequacy.

Even if Justin was more in love with Selena, it’s worth noting that he didn’t treat her particularly well either. Their relationship was plagued by reports of infidelity and volatility too. The common denominator isn’t Hailey or Selena. It’s Justin. He mistreats women because he chooses to, and the insistence on romanticizing his behaviour allows him to evade accountability.

“The WizardLiz Was a Fraud All Along”

Lize Dzjabrailova, better known as @WizardLiz, is a social media influencer known for giving blunt dating advice. Her core message was that women attract “low value men” because their self-esteem is low and they put inadequate effort into themselves. According to her advice, heartbreak is avoidable if women raise their standards, detach emotionally, and become more confident and attractive. While some of this advice can be practical, it also carries an implicit moral judgment: women are mistreated because they fail to be valuable enough. Low-confidence women attract bad men. Women who don’t maintain their appearance get replaced. Male wrongdoing becomes a reflection of female failure.

The WizardLiz’s public views on dating are the reason why it was particularly shocking when she announced she had been cheated on during her pregnancy. Despite seemingly embodying everything she preaches, such as being beautiful and keeping strict boundaries, she was still mistreated. Fans responded by wondering how someone so beautiful could be cheated on by questioning if she had not been living up to her own standards. 

The response was swift and cruel. Instead of focusing on her partner’s betrayal, people asked how she “allowed” it to happen. Surely, if she had chosen better, enforced boundaries harder, or been more discerning, this wouldn’t have occurred. In other words, she must not have been following her own advice.

But her experience doesn’t expose her as a fraud, it exposes the lie at the centre of this ideology. Her partner didn’t cheat because she lacked value, beauty, or confidence. He cheated because he chose to. His behaviour says nothing about her worth and everything about his character.

Does This Even Matter?

At first glance, Hailey Bieber and The WizardLiz may seem like distant, if not vapid, case studies. But I believe they reflect many everyday conversations among young women.

I’m constantly privy to conversations of my friends discussing being cheated on or ghosted, and I often sense that they believe it happened because they weren’t enough. Even other women reinforce this belief by insisting that men mistreat the partners they don’t truly care about. But disinterest does not excuse cruelty. A lack of romantic feeling does not justify dishonesty, disrespect, or harm.

In relationships, we owe one another basic communication and decency, regardless of attraction.

Women need to abandon the framework that male behaviour is simply a barometer of female worth. That if he were more “into you” he would be a better partner. This frames male interest as something women must earn to be respected. No amount of disinterest ever makes cruelty acceptable.

The truth is simpler and more uncomfortable than dating clichés allow. Even if he wasn’t strongly interested, he still could’ve communicated that or treated you amicably. If he ghosts you, lies to you, or secretly sees other people behind your back, it’s not because you weren’t enough — he’s just an asshole.