Unlearning Love: What Women Lose in the Male Loneliness Crisis

They say, “love is blind,” but I ask, how blind? I ask, when will it be fully acceptable for us to enter love with clarity. Clarity on who we are and what we need to thrive in a relationship?

How much longer will women shrink themselves, their potential, self-neglect, and self-abandon in romantic relationships? And why is this still the norm of what’s expected?

The patriarchy has been systematically formed to best serve men’s needs for centuries. This can look like objectifying women into mere sexual fantasies, over-burdening them with responsibilities, and denying them the right to thrive in their own lives. People tell me my standards are too high and that if I really want to experience love, I need to be more “hopeful,” “accepting,” and “open.” But being “hopeful” can sometimes mean being delusional. Being accommodating does not need to look like disrespecting myself.

And then I ask, what is love? Unfortunately, I have only ever seen love through the lens of dependency. I personally have never come across a couple that uplifts each other to maximize one another’s potential. Where a man is not controlling and a woman is not submissive or forced to downplay her worth. I had to convince my mother to divorce my father. I had to teach her about taking ownership over her life, like her finances, her independence, and her self-worth. I had to teach her that being “high maintenance” can simply mean having standards. Now, she’s investing more in her career, friendships, self-care, and family. But I’ve never had role models to show me how relationships can work in a healthy manner. 

So, I asked my friends and tried dating for the first time in my life. Here’s what I found:

Many men have told me hurtful things, especially when I made decisions to limit or remove their access to me. Especially when I didn’t let them sleep with me, not because I don’t value their needs, but because I refuse to accept the idea that they are entitled to my body before becoming a safe space for me emotionally and spiritually, before showing me commitment and trust. 

I understand that their needs and milestones in a relationship may be different, but my purpose is higher than comforting a man’s ego, validating him and caring for him like a therapist. Or caring for him like his mother, being thrown into his immature sense of humour and insults, being controlled on what to say, what to wear, and how to think. I shouldn’t be told how to behave. Yet, I’ve erased myself to be seen by a stranger. I’ve run into a man’s arms by running away from myself. And all the flowers, dates, hugs, kisses, texts, calls, and hangouts had really meant nothing. These seemingly romantic gestures were empty, unfulfilling, and transactional. I thought they would feel warm, but they left me colder than before. I thought I would feel empowered and supported, but these men only wanted to lay me down or put me down.

My girlfriends told me things like “That’s unfortunate they made you feel like that, but don’t settle for less, your dream man will arrive one day.” I know they mean well. Yet I can’t help but wonder if we are all meant to be waiting for our “prince charming”? The way love has been portrayed in popular media is as if it’s medicine or some sort of antidote. It’s presented as the solution to common issues around self-esteem and self-worth. I can’t help but think that the patriarchy purposely designed it this way to propagate these ideas to women. To convince women that they should do absolutely everything they can to ensure they have and keep a man, because without one, they are useless and worthless. 

We are told that men can be useful to us, that they can help us and support us. But the truth is, I have never once felt supported by a man. I have achieved my biggest accomplishments in my life without one. In fact, whenever a man was in my life, I did much worse. 

Personally, I only feel the need for a relationship when I am not feeling inspired or motivated, when I am lonely and need some source of dopamine that is disguised as “connection”. Yet I know men will try to take advantage of my vulnerable state and leverage my pain to gain access to me. These meaningless interactions leave neither of us satisfied. I don’t get the guidance and support I was seeking, and he doesn’t get to have intercourse with me.

Hence, I’ve taken a step back from seeking a “saviour” to give me permission to live my life fully and to motivate me to enter my highest potential. I no longer seek someone to bring me peace, make me feel protected, and validate my emotions. I am calling all my energy back to myself, fulfilling my own needs, and promising to build the life that I want for myself. I don’t care if I have a “non-existent love life.” I’m fine having no man by my side, I don’t care if I haven’t found “the one” yet. I finally found myself and I’m not willing to lose her ever again.